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What is domestic and family violence?  

Domestic violence and family violence is abusive behaviour used by one person in a relationship to dominate and control another. The abusive behaviour generally has a pattern to it and is repeated. The result is that the person subjected to the violence lives in fear and intimidation. In some cases, the abuse may continue even after the relationship has finished. The majority of people subjected to domestic violence are women.

The following behaviours are some examples of domestic and family violence:

• Physical abuse such as hitting, slapping, punching, biting, kicking or pushing;
• Damaging property such as the house, breaking furniture or hurting pets to intimidate and frighten you;
• Threats to harm children, pets, family members or you;
• Intimidation and harassment including humiliation, constant criticism, insults, persistent phone calls, following you or staying outside your home or workplace;
• Forcing you to have sex or take part in sexual acts that you do not want;
• Withholding necessities of life such as food, money, medical care and the company of family and friends.

Physical and sexual abuse may not begin until a year or so into the relationship and for many women, this type of behaviour first appears during pregnancy. However, controlling and dominating behaviour may be present at the start of the relationship but can be construed as jealousy, and is often regarded as a compliment to the woman or a sign of his strong love for her.

The power and control wheel

 The power and control wheel below provides examples of abusive tactics that may be used by the abuser to assert power and control over their partner. Not all of these tactics may be used by the abuser but most abused women can identify with some of, if not all, of them.

The cycle of violence

 Domestic violence is a pattern of behaviour that is repeated and in many abusive relationships that pattern of behaviour is cyclical in nature. This has been termed the ‘Cycle of Violence’. This cycle varies but generally rotates between relative calm and an ‘explosion’ of abuse.

The diagram below shows the cycle of violence between Mary and George.

When an abusive incident happens it is often in the middle of a cycle of violence. This cycle may begin weeks before with a build up of tension. After the explosion there is a period of remorse and the man fears losing his family. During this time he may revert to being a loving partner in an attempt to ‘buy back’ the women’s trust and commitment. The woman, wishing the violence to end but not the relationship, wants to believe his promises that it will never happen again. She may feel loved and needed at this time and so, understandably, may accept his promises and remain in the relationship. Sometimes, if these tactics do not work, he may revert to intimidation and threats in order to coerce her into staying.

The cycle continues gaining momentum as his power over her increases and her ability to escape decreases. Over time, some phases of the cycle, such as the ‘honeymoon’ and ‘build up’ phase may be missed out and the frequency and intensity of the violence escalates. This is a sign of great danger for the woman. Recognising this cycle can be a revealing experience for many women.

You are not to blame and you are not alone

Domestic violence and family violence often takes place ‘behind closed doors’. In the past it was seen very much as a ‘private family matter’ that society should not get involved with.

It can be difficult for those who are, or who have experienced violence to come forward because they may feel isolated, ashamed, confused or just too afraid to speak about their experiences. Sometimes they blame themselves for the violence because they have been told by their partner on many occasions, that they ‘provoked’ it.

It is important to remember that:

• No one deserves to be abused.
• The person being abusive is responsible for their own behaviour.
• Abuse happens to people from all walks of life, cultures and age groups.
• Everyone has the right to feel safe at home.